One of our favorite — honestly, not sure if this should be called a bit, routine, or poem, but anyway… one of our favorite recent memories of George Carlin has to be his Modern Man material. It’s a good read, but it’s a better listen. We’ve posted the words below and here’s a link to the You Tube video. Enjoy.

I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi cultural, post modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high tech low life. A cutting edge, state of the art bi coastal multi tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot wired, heat seeking, warm hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet and pushing the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I’ve got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top and under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A street wise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot, slam dunk, rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial.

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.

I’m a non believer and an over achiever, laid back but fashion forward. Upfront, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super sized, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready and built to last. I’m a hands on, foot loose, knee jerk head case pretty maturely post traumatic and I’ve got a love child that sends me hate mail.

But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing— a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the F word in my emails and the software on my hard drive is hardcore—no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a mini van at a mega store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, bite sized, ready to wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre wash, pre cooked, pre heated, pre screened, pre approved, pre packaged, post dated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spining, jiving and groovin, wailing and winning. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hanging tough, over and out.

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