Note: You can play or download the MP3 audio of the “Telemarketer Torture” calls towards the end of the article.
When I first started working with VoIP, I began to hate telephony, and any and all things telephone related. This bothered me on many levels. You see, as a kid, I loved telephones. Growing up in the “big city,” pay phones seemed to be on every corner. Family stories talk about walking several blocks extra, just to avoid me seeing and wanting to play with a phone. But, as usual, I digress…
When I worked with an unnamed switch (let’s just say it rhymed with Broadmoft), I hated working with VoIP. I knew there had to be a better way and started playing with Asterisk. Soon, my memories of playing with phones started coming back and my love rekindled. Now, I look forward to working with phone systems, only because I truly feel that the use of a phone can only be limited by your imagination. And with companies like Twilio, Adhearsion, and Digium, the community of telephone developers seems only to grow.
With that long winded introduction, let’s discuss today’s topic — telemarketer torture. I, like every other person I know, receives the random yet continual undesired telemarketer call (yes, I’m on the DND databases and let’s not get into that). Thanks to Asterisk, I can send my telemarketers to a little place I call the Annoyatron.
Now, many developers and users implement their own version of Telemarketer Torture. Some like using IVR’s. Some like endless ringing. Personally, I like to keep them on the line for a long time. You see, since I add numbers to the Annoyatron after they call me, by the time they reach the Annoyatron they have already called and wasted my time at least once before. So, instead of just having them hang up and move on to the next home, I like to see if I can keep them talking for a while. My Goal? At least 2 minutes.
I use Asterisk’s “WaitForSilence” command to keep my torture conversational. When there’s a pause, the Annoyatron will play a file. While the telemarketer speaks, the Annoyatron will patiently wait. You put it all together, and wala — the Annoyatron Telemarketer Torture.
Today, I received unwanted calls regarding long distance to India. I added the number to the Annoyatron and well, the results of their continued calls no longer annoy me. Here are two examples:
Listen to Call 1:
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Listen to Call 2:
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(or you can download this MP3, too)
Ok, so here’s an example of how you would write the dialplan in Asterisk:
[annoyatron] exten => s,1,Answer() exten => s,n,Wait(2) exten => s,n,Playback(annoy/annoy-hello) exten => s,n,WaitForSilence(2200) ;... ; record a file for "your side" of the conversation ; wait for silence, and then play it ; lather rinse repeat ;... exten => s,n,Hangup()
Simple, no? Just one of the reasons Asterisk allowed me to enjoy working with telephones. Awwww. 
We’d love to hear about your fun examples with Asterisk. And you know, Leif Madsen is requesting some ideas for Asterisk Recipes himself.
Asterisk is free, open source software provided under the GNU General Public License (GPL). Asterisk is the most popular open source software available, with the Asterisk Community being the top influencer in VoIP.
Why free? It’s just how Digium rolls. They really take that GPL open source to heart.
You want to know what is REALLY weird? The fact that I just built something almost exactly the same today.
Except I took it a bit further. I ended up recording several prompts, such as,
“Oh ok”
“Ummmm… sorry?”
“Sorry, I missed that”
“Oh cool!”
etc….
Then using the RAND() function, I randomly pick a prompt to play every time the WaitForSilence() moves on. Then I add some needed pauses, and next time around play a different prompt.
(I even added a check to make sure I don’t play the same prompt twice in a row)
If you wanna try it out, dial my ISN (http://www.freenum.org) at 666*460
I still think its weird that we independently built the same thing today
Leif Madsen
17 Jul 09 at 8:24 pm
And I just listened to the files that you had recorded, and wow, you really showed me up here
I love it! What a great script! I might have to steal some of those ideas…. mwahahaha
Leif Madsen
17 Jul 09 at 8:31 pm
[...] A funny thing happened today. Fred Posner posted an article about telemarketer torture (here). He has some examples that his script [...]
Telemarketer Torture « Asterisk, and other worldly endeavours.
17 Jul 09 at 8:42 pm
Wow. That 2nd call is pricelessly timed…
Patrick
17 Jul 09 at 11:21 pm
This is hilarious!
Michael White
18 Jul 09 at 12:02 am
[...] The full article is posted on VoIP Tech Chat. [...]
Telemarketers Schmelemarketers | Fred Posner dot com
18 Jul 09 at 12:07 am
blogged to VoIP Tech Chat about Telemarketer Torture (with audio) http://bit.ly/teletorture
Fred Posner
18 Jul 09 at 12:46 am
@leif_madsen here’s my version of Telemarketer Torture http://bit.ly/teletorture
Fred Posner
18 Jul 09 at 1:03 am
This annoyatron is Hilarious – kudos to @fredposner and Asterisk – listen to the audio tracks. http://bit.ly/bbhho
Dave Michels
18 Jul 09 at 2:55 am
Personally I do not have too much trouble with telemarketers – but for my “Get To Know Asterisk” talks I have created something similar. Not as complex as what Leif and Fred have done, but it apparently works well according to my sources:
I transfer the caller into a infinite loop with the following:
1) A lot of “mmm….” approval sounds.
2) A lot of “yes, that sounds very good”.
3) After a while I say “Opps… something is cooking over at my stove – please wait”.
4) Long silence.
5) Saying “OK, I’m back, let’s continue”
6) GOTO step #1.
Last year, after one of my talks, I got a mail from a guy which had now implemented this into their company PBX with the added twist of keeping count on how many times the loop where played, and to their amazement a sales representative from one of the big telcos did the loop 3 times before giving up
\Ruben
Ruben Olsen
18 Jul 09 at 4:55 am
Telemarketer Torture – Recorded for your listening pleasure by @fredposner. http://bit.ly/Hilarious
Michael S. White
18 Jul 09 at 5:16 am
RT @e4VoIP: Telemarketer Torture – Recorded for your listening pleasure by @fredposner. http://bit.ly/Hilarious * mean, but funny
VoIP Randulo Zeeek
18 Jul 09 at 7:31 am
@jsgoecke =) I tried different methods. The annoyatron usually solves it after a few rings. http://bit.ly/Hilarious
Fred Posner
19 Jul 09 at 9:23 am
Hilarious!!!!!! That second call was hysterical. I can’t believe they kept calling you. I really like what you’ve done here. Not rude, not vulgar. A little sarcastic, but I think that’s fine.
C Smith
19 Jul 09 at 9:40 pm
erm, here’s the link to the telemarketer torture http://bit.ly/bbhho
Danielle Morrill
19 Jul 09 at 10:46 pm
erm, here’s the link to the telemarketer torture http://bit.ly/bbhho
Danielle Morrill
19 Jul 09 at 10:46 pm
erm, here’s the link to the telemarketer torture http://bit.ly/bbhho
Danielle Morrill
19 Jul 09 at 10:46 pm
erm, here’s the link to the telemarketer torture http://bit.ly/bbhho
Danielle Morrill
19 Jul 09 at 10:46 pm
That was just awesome! I wonder if my wife would let me do something like that?
Probably not.
Michael Graves
21 Jul 09 at 8:16 pm
I Love it! This is great!
Christian
28 Jul 09 at 2:20 pm
HA! GREAT! I crave more mp3s!
Jon
7 Oct 09 at 7:56 pm
Hahahaha! The second call is hilarious!! This guy needs some patience because he started _swearing_ (in hindi) after the second silence!
Hahaha
I can’t stop laughing. He then goes towards the end of fourth silence “Chup, chup, chup, chup!” –> “Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet!”
Farhan Ahmad
15 Oct 09 at 11:51 am
Clever methods to annoy telemarketers have been around approximately as long as telemarketers themselves. Asterisk just made it easier for anyone with a computer and half an hour to join the fun.
Here’s JD’s implementation of the AstCrapper 2000, complete with links to hilarious recordings: http://www.jdhaesloop.com/astcrapper2000.html
roderickm
28 Oct 09 at 10:39 pm
This is great. I second Jon’s idea. Please, please, PLEASE post more mp3s!
Seriously, you could devote a site to them.
Good Job
29 Oct 09 at 12:33 am
Telemarketer torture with asterisk… http://www.voiptechchat.com/voip/286/asterisk-101-uses-telemarketer-torture/
Claus Witt
11 Jan 10 at 10:45 am
This is great. Good idea but, how do you know if is a telemarketers.
Wilson
15 Jan 10 at 8:31 pm
[...] torture with asterisk… http://www.voiptechchat.com/voip/286/asterisk-101-uses-telemarketer-torture/ [...]
The last weeks Tweets | clauswitt.com
1 Feb 10 at 1:16 am
@jennifermarsman time for telemarketer torture! http://bit.ly/aUpT2f
Fred Posner
7 Apr 10 at 6:59 pm
wow, fred, you sound just like a guy i went to high school with!
peter honeyman
7 Apr 10 at 8:04 pm
OMG forgot about this — Telemarketer Torture http://bit.ly/bbhho
Michael S. White
19 Aug 10 at 6:03 pm